Salaams and Good Morning ! Here is your daily dose of Wisdom for Living Your Best Self!One of the most destructive of all relationship myths is the belief that if it requires work, something is terribly wrong and that any discrepancy of opinions or preferences or the presence of conflict is indicative of character flaws on behalf of one’s partner.
Dweck believes that conflicts are part of all good relationships and a growth mindset is not threatened with conflict in the relationship.
Dweck found that people with a fixed mindset on the other hand are threatened by conflict. When they talk about their problems, they are likely to assign blame to their partners AND often assume that the fault lies in a character flaw of the other other which is not fixable. Since the fault lies in the personality of the partner, they feel anger and contempt towards them (we have previously discussed how looking down with contempt at a partner is poisons a relationship) and dissatisfied with the entire relationship.
People with a growth mindset, on the other hand, can acknowledge their partners’ imperfections, without assigning blame, and still feel that they have a fulfilling relationship. They can see that conflicts are often problems of communication which are fixable and not problems of personality or character which are not fixable.
The perception of relationships as dynamic and changing holds true as much in romantic partnerships as in friendship and other family relationships.
Dweck summarizes her view on mindset in relationships:
When people embark on a relationship, they encounter a partner who is different from them, and they haven’t learned how to deal with the differences. In a good relationship, people develop these skills and, as they do, both partners grow and the relationship deepens. But for this to happen, people need to feel they’re on the same side. . . . As an atmosphere of trust develop[s], they [become] vitally interested in each other’s development.
I find that Dweck’s view is so hopeful for relationships: that we and subsequently our relationships are capable of growth and change and that we do have agency in improving things for ourselves and our loved ones.
Wishing you a day full of positivity, purpose and peace.
