A question I hear often in therapy sessions and workshops is: “I want to work on my relationship, but my spouse isn’t on board. Can I make a difference on my own?”
It’s a valid concern, but it comes with a hopeful answer: yes, you can.
Relationships are like dances—two people moving in sync, influencing each other’s steps. If one person changes their rhythm, the dance itself begins to shift. In the language of systems theory, relationships are interconnected systems; when one part of the system changes, the other parts are impacted, even if the other person isn’t consciously trying to change.
Do you find this hard to believe? If so, consider it this way: If I told you to go fight with your spouse tonight, would you know how? Chances are that unless you are married to a saint, you probably know ways to trigger them!
So, if you can damage your relationship by bringing negativity, criticism, or neglect into the dynamic is it not possible that you can also foster healing, connection, and growth by taking charge of your own actions and focusing on your own personal growth?
Clean Up Your Side of the Street
When it feels like your partner is stuck or unwilling to engage in the work of the relationship, it’s easy to feel powerless. But what if you focused instead on what you can control?
Start by "cleaning up your side of the street." This means:
- Taking responsibility for your actions, words, and emotional responses
- Identifying and addressing patterns of behavior that might be adding stress to the relationship
- Recognizing and committing to rituals of connection regardless of the other person’s behaviour
- Offering kindness, respect, and understanding, even when it’s hard
This isn’t about ignoring your partner’s behavior or excusing poor treatment. Instead, it’s about leading by example and showing what healthy, loving actions can look like. Often, this shift in approach creates space for your partner to reflect and respond differently.
Is this hard? OF COURSE IT IS. It is simple but not easy. The question is this: Is it worth doing a bit of work yourself to potentially change the trajectory of your relationship?
Small Changes, Big Impact
Let’s take some examples: A warm greeting when your partner comes home, a simple “thank you” for something they did, or even a pause before reacting to an argument can alter the dynamic of your relationship. SMILING!
Even if the other person refuses to engage in formal relationship building work. Over time, these changes can build trust and goodwill, and may encourage your partner to step into the dance of change with you.
You’re Not Alone
If you’re wondering how to start, I invite you to check out my Marriage Booster Bundle. It’s designed to provide simple, actionable steps to help you create positive change in your relationship—even if you’re
the only one ready to take that first step.
Of course it is designed as a course for couples. I often get questions like: “I really want to sign up but my spouse is not on board”.
My answer is always the same: Please do not let their [current] unwillingness prevent you from taking the first steps. Will you be able to do all the exercises on your own? The truth is, no you won’t. And even if you some of the work by yourself, you will inshallah see many positive changes.
As part of my Black Friday special, you can access these tools at a discounted rate for this weekend only. Please remember that you have more power than you think to shift the dynamic in your relationship and take it in a healthier, more fulfilling direction.
You can’t control your partner’s choices, but you can control your own. And when you do, you might just inspire a new rhythm in the dance of your relationship.
With warm duas
Marzia
