[Daily Wisdom #641] When gratitude is not appropriate in relationships

Salaams and Good Morning !

Here is your daily dose of Wisdom for Living Your Best Self!

Over the last little while, we spent considerable time talking about how practicing gratitude in relationships will improve relationship quality and satisfaction.

We now need to address an important caveat about gratitude in relationships.

All the research that we have mentioned is focused on understanding factors that promote the maintenance of healthy relationships or turning around relationships that have the potential of being healthy.

There are, however, some relationships that will not be helped by gratitude.

If there is physical or emotional abuse in a relationship, telling the victim to look for the positive or to feel grateful may further victimize the person.

It is true that no one is entirely evil. The reality is that even abusers may have some aspects of their personality which are positive. A person who is aggressive or violent may be materially generous (a "good provider"). A serial adulterer may be charming, hardworking or a good parent. Someone addicted to substances may be loving and kind when they are not under the influence.

By telling the person to focus on these aspects while ignoring the abuse, infidelity or addiction may minimize the abuse or trauma that the person is going through, especially since living with such dysfunctional people often results in an erosion of self esteem and confidence in the individual.

When someone is living under such challenging circumstances, looking for the positive or working on gratitude may not be the appropriate response or tool of choice. Instead, they need support to clear their thinking, to regain confidence, to work on self-empowerment and self compassion, and to fully consider their options regarding the relationship.

Wishing you a day full of positivity, purpose and peace.

With gratitude

Marzia

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Please scroll down for a list of recommended books on Gratitude

Lots more resources on living your best self www.marziahassan.com

Have you listened to the podcasts yet?
Family Connections Podcast and Living and Loving the Quran.

Here are some of the episodes on Gratitude:

1) Practicing Gratitude during difficult times

2) Accessing peace through gratitude

3) Developing an attitude of gratitude

4) Exploring Gratitude

Some popular books on Gratitude:

Words of Gratitude for Mind, Body, and Soul by Robert Emmons and Joanna Hill

You will see Robert Emmons’ name several times on this list, and that’s no mistake. Dr. Emmons is a veritable force of nature in gratitude research, with a multitude of books and articles published on the subject.

Words of Gratitude is written in the sweet spot of tones, comfortably in between academic and intimate. While the authors outline some of the major gratitude research, it is described with minimal jargon in clean and simple prose. If you’re looking for a book that will work double duty, teaching you a few new things while also inspiring you to a gratitude-filled life, this is the book for you!

The Psychology of Gratitude by Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough

Another favorite from Robert Emmons and fellow researcher extraordinaire Micheal McCullough, this book is perfect for students, professionals, or anyone interested in a more solid foundation in the theory, philosophy, and evidence surrounding gratitude as a psychological construct.

The Psychology of Gratitude draws from multiple perspectives and borrows from multiple fields to put together a comprehensive backstory for this hot research topic. You will learn about the theories behind gratitude, including from an evolutionary perspective, from a moral viewpoint, and even with a focus on physiology.

Thanks! How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier by Robert Emmons

This is another book that aims to teach and inspire, and judging by the positive reviews, it has succeeded.

The author weaves in a little bit of gratitude research, some perspective from literature, psychology, religion, and anthropology, and finishes it all with a call to action on cultivating gratitude. This is a fantastic read for anyone who is looking to learn more about why gratitude can be such a life-changing addition, and how they can apply gratitude to their own life.

The Gratitude Diaries: How a Year Looking on the Bright Side Can Transform Your Life by Janice Kaplan

This New York Times bestselling book details one woman’s efforts to keep her New Year’s resolution of being more grateful and optimistic. Janice Kaplan, a journalist and the former Editor-in-Chief of Parade magazine, weaves academic research and evidence-based findings in with her own personal journey to present readers with an excellent reason to give gratitude a shot.

This book is an excellent choice for more casual readers interested in gratitude, as the tone is informal and accessible, but it also presents a message that everyone can benefit from receiving. If you’d like to join Kaplan on her gratitude journey, you can find the book on Amazon

Living Life as a Thank You by Nina Lesowitz and Mary Beth Sammons

In Living Life as a Thank You, authors Nina Lesowitz and Mary Beth Sammons think you can find a gift in whatever you’re given, even the bad. Saying thank you inspires daily feelings of love, compassion, and hope. This book presents a plan for those who want a little extra Thanksgiving in their lives.

Gratitude Works! by Robert Emmons

If you’re looking for a straightforward guide to cultivating a grateful mindset, Gratitude Works is a good place to start. The book pairs scientific findings with the philosophical, religious and spiritual reasons for gratitude. Full of tips, this book gives actionable steps for becoming more grateful.