Salaams and Good Morning !

Here is your daily dose of Wisdom for Living Your Best Self!

One of the worst kinds of non-apology is blaming the other person when they are the hurt party.

You made me do that
You made me angry
It is your fault that I did what I did
I had no choice but to do what I did because of what you did
It was your behaviour that caused me to act as I did
These are ways of blaming the offended party for the behaviour of the offender. Can you think of a more offensive way to behave? This is the language of abusers when they use power, control and manipulation against the victim to deflect attention from their actions. It is called blaming the victim and it is a VERY oppressive way to behave.

If we are on the receiving end of such talk, we need to remind ourselves that we cannot be held responsible for someone else’s actions.

And as parents, we need to be very careful that we do not say any version of the following:

I did not want to hit you – you made me do it
You are making me scream
You are giving me a headache
You made mommy or daddy very angry
You made mommy have an accident

Statements like these are very confusing for a young mind. We would hope that children can, in time and with guidance, learn to take responsibility for their behaviour, which is hard enough. We do NOT want them to accept responsibility for causing other people’s behaviour.

When children are given the message that they are at fault for their parents’ actions, it causes a lot of internal confusion and turmoil and leaves them open to blame themselves in later relationships. Children who are blamed will have trouble setting healthy boundaries in adult relationships. They will have a hard time distinguishing what they can and cannot control and what is unacceptable behaviour.

"Adulting 101" is to practice recognizing that despite how anyone else acts, we always have the choice of how to respond.

We need to take responsibility for our actions and our choices, regardless of how anyone behaves around us or triggers us. And if we lose it from time to time (which many of us do because we are human), can we practice being accountable for our misdeeds rather than blaming the victim for our poor behaviour?

Wishing you a day full of positivity, purpose and peace.
Warm blessings


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Lots more resources on living your best self

Have you listened to the podcast yet?
Family Connections Podcast

Here are some book recommendations on learning how to apologize

Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts by Harriet Lerner PhD, Cassandra Campbell, et al.

Sorry About That: The Language of Public Apology. By Edwin Battistella

When Sorry Isn't Enough: Making Things Right with Those You Love by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas

Art of the Apology: How, When, and Why to Give and Accept Apologies by Lauren M. Bloom

Effective Apology: Mending Fences, Building Bridges, and Restoring Trust by John Kador

On Apology by Aaron Lazare

The Power of Apology: Healing Steps to Transform All Your Relationships by Beverly Engel

The Five Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman

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