DW# 785 Motivation matters

Salaams and Good Morning !

Here is your daily dose of Wisdom for Living Your Best Self!

We have been talking about gaslighting in relationships: that is saying or doing things which cause the person on the receiving end to start questioning their own perceptions, reality and even sanity.

There are various situations where another person may question our view of events or our perceptions and we need to remind ourselves to be careful about being quick to label something as gaslighting or writing the person off as a narcissist.

The first situation is more a matter of personality than of malign intentions. Some people are dismissive of things and attitudes of others as a matter of habit. So what we may think of as gaslighting may simply be a person’s argumentative nature, their air of superiority, or their judgmental tendency. Many high functioning and powerful individuals sometimes have a hard time practicing humility or knowing how to have egalitarian relationships. They may not intend harm on purpose and are often surprised when their partners get angry and hurt by their dismissive remarks. This is not really gaslighting. To be labeled as gaslighting there needs to be an intention to deceive or distort what you know or suspect to be true.

Here is a second situation: a person who engages in gaslighting on a one-time basis or during a brief period in a relationship. The gaslighting happens because they may find themselves caught up in a betrayal they never imagined would happen—like an affair, something financial or a major secret that they have been keeping. Such people fear that their partner will leave if they learn the truth or may get hurt beyond repair. Or they are simply not brave enough to face the situation. Since they do not know how to approach their partner to own the betrayal and to make amends, they engage in denying the truth of what happened and blame the other person instead.

The third situation is the most serious. This is where there is intent to control, manipulate, and subjugate one’s intimate partner. In this case, the perpetrator of gaslighting is acting sadistically—in other words they are deliberately damaging someone’s psyche without any care for the consequences on the victim. This is of course the most challenging situation and the hardest to heal from.

Wishing you a day full of positivity, purpose and peace.

Warm blessings

Marzia

Just joining? You can catch up here

Please share today's Wisdom...your friends can sign up using this link

Lots more resources on living your best self www.marziahassan.org

Have you listened to the podcast yet?

Family Connections Podcast

Here are some book recommendations on learning how to apologize

Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts by Harriet Lerner PhD, Cassandra Campbell, et al.

Sorry About That: The Language of Public Apology. By Edwin Battistella

When Sorry Isn't Enough: Making Things Right with Those You Love by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas

Art of the Apology: How, When, and Why to Give and Accept Apologies by Lauren M. Bloom

Effective Apology: Mending Fences, Building Bridges, and Restoring Trust by John Kador

On Apology by Aaron Lazare

The Power of Apology: Healing Steps to Transform All Your Relationships by Beverly Engel

The Five Languages of Apology by Gary Chapman